A constant ache

Warning: We are about to enter Ann’s emotional side.

So these past couple of weeks have been hard for me. I have finished classes, started summer, nearing graduation… all exciting stuff! There is just one thing that has been a constant ache. I miss my dad. It will hit me at the strangest times. Here are a couple examples.

  • I did my first photography gig at a wedding. Awesome right?! Well, It was all good until the daddy-daughter dance. I watched the bride dance with her dad hand in hand and giggle and look up at him and smile… I almost lost it. I fought back the tears with everything I had and tried to remember I was at a job.
  • A few nights ago, a friend and I were watching Taken. Awesome movie – I highly recommend it! We were sitting on the couch and the entire beginning part of the movie is basically showing you how much this girl is a daddy’s little girl and how much the father loves her. He looked over at me and noticed my facial expressions and asked if I was alright. I of course said yes. He turned back to me a few minutes later and told me I was a liar. Can’t get anything pass him. hah. I turned to him and simply stated that I miss my dad. I told him that everything would be ok and not to worry. We went back to watching the movie and I still don’t think he realized that I had a few tears role down my face. That’s not knocking him, it honestly was an amazingly interesting movie. I wouldn’t be paying attention to anyone around me either. I was fine by the time the movie ended.
  • Tonight I was cleaning my room… like REALLY cleaning my room. You know, going through the dresser and making bags for good will etc. My family is coming in town for my graduation so the house has gotta be spotless. You know the drill! My dad would sometimes buy a shirt/sweater/whatever if he thought i would like it or if he thought i would look cute in it. I miss that. Well… I was going through all my clothes and saw some of the things he had bought me over the years. My heart ached.

I miss my dad… and I don’t think i can express in words how much my heart hurts sometimes. Everyone always tells me, “Wow, you would never know you just lost you dad” or “You are so strong” or ” You’re always smiling!” etc. Well for starters, the only reason I’m not a constant wreck is because of God. He has kept me going, He has been my strong fortress, my safe refuge. My world isn’t always sunshine. There are days of rain, lightning, thunder, floods, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, droughts, etc. God however holds my hand through all of it. When it’s flooding, He helps me walk on water. When the winds are fierce, He is solid walls that protect me. When the droughts come, He replenishes me. He also holds my broken heart in His hands. It’s not broken from a guy, not this time… this time it’s broken in a way that I have never experienced. It’s a constant ache.

Imagine this. Your husband, Your wife, A Fiance, A best friend, A parent or sibling… someone you love deeply. Have you ever experienced that “i miss you feeling” whenever they go away on a business trip, or mission trip, or vacation or whatever? Yea you probably have. Well… now multiply that feeling times a million and add in the factor that you have no communication with them, you didn’t get to say goodbye, and you will never get that peace of seeing them again.  It all results in a constant ache of my heart. I have never missed someone like I have and always will, miss my dad.

My family is coming up on it being 6 months since we lost my dad. My brain can’t even wrap around that and my heart breaks every time it tries. I’m taking it one day at a time.

I think that is all I want to say for right now…

Love A.

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3 thoughts on “A constant ache

  1. “Her name is Michelle.
    And Michelle believes that rainbows are like emotions,
    because their belies the pain that comes with beating sun and pouring rain that made them.”

    That’s from a piece I’m working on as I decided to check up on this and see how you were doing. I’m rarely a person driven to tears by anything, but I had to fight it reading this. It’s a tough thing, losing someone like that. My grandmother raised me, and she died right before I started my senior year at Millbrook. I was a wreck for almost a year, and there are still things – even things people won’t understand like the movie “A Flintstones Christmas Carol – that cause me to break down a little bit inside. It does hurt. And it has yet to truly stop hurting, even though I’m coming up on 3 years since it happened, but I can promise you that it will get better soon. That ache, that feeling of missing someone who’s gone away gets easier to deal with in time. There are two things that I always take solace in when I think about her: the fact that she wouldn’t want me to hurt on her account, and the fact that she’s gone on to a better place.

    “To the well organized mind, death is but life’s next great adventure!”
    – Dumbledore

    My grandmother is waiting for an awesome adventure with me and I’m sure your father is waiting for the same with you 🙂

    If you ever need to talk with someone who understands what you’re going through, I’ve always got your back. Be strong 🙂

    Love, D.J.

    Phone – will be changing soon so I’ll give you the new # when I get it haha

    AIM (if you still use that) – hush8990

    or you can always find me on Facebook.

  2. Ann, you’re super great. I’m so proud of you for dealing with a loss through focus on a (intimidating) goal. Having lost a friend this month, I’ve felt only a fraction of what I’m sure you have to go through.

    If you want to talk or something then give me a call.

    And since I know you won’t, I’m going to call you sometime soon and we’re going to go hang out.

  3. just want you to know i’m praying for you. you are so brave and strong. i know the Holy Spirit is much more of a comfort than anything any of us could say but i just want you to know that your church Loves you.

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